Single Men Don't Eat Ice Cream

Rita is soaking up all the men in this city that we live in. Her place of employment (the Empty Sea) has been taking every 18 year old male right from underneath my feet and it's starting to get a little irritating.
While Rita sits for days drooling over these fresh, clean-cut, boys, I sit in my I Scream Parlor. I hand miniature top hats out to people and tell them to fill them with ice cream. Then I sit at my perch and watch as they spill ice cream all over my freshly mopped floor. I cut fruit. I fill toppings. I make people give me money. It's an exciting life I live, let me tell you.

However, as I watch people zoom in and out of my parlor, I have been doing my fair share of stalking. Every day there is an old man who comes in. He's probably in his late 60's, has sandy blond hair that is balding, and has a slight limp. His name is Mr. Carl Henderson. When the door opens at 12:20, I know it's him.
"Hello Mr. Carl Henderson!" I say.
"Oh hello there Emily." Will always be his response.
"How are you doing today?" I ask.
"Oh I'm doing okay," he'll say, then bow his head a little glumly. Then he'll follow up with, "It sure is hot out there today."
"It sure is! Here are some taster cups - let me know when you're ready."
Mr. Carl Henderson used to come in and get Pistachio Gelato every day. Except when we ran out. He was sad for a moment, but quickly found new favorites (black licorice and toasted marshmallow).
Some days he comes in twice, but seldom does he come in at nights. He only comes at night when he's feeling especially glum. This man reminds me of Eyore from Winnie the Pooh. He always seems a little sad, but he just has a way of warming your heart.

Now, as mentioned above, single men don't eat ice cream. Every day we get a whole bunch of single women. It seems that they all flock to get ice cream. You'd think we put magic powers in that stuff for the amount of women we see. And I have to admit, we do see our share of men. However, the only time you see a man without a woman attached to his side, is when the married men come in on their lunch breaks. (Yes, I do check their ring fingers. How else will I know if they are married?!)
This can be a dilemma. It makes work a little dry. I never think "Ooo! That man must be single! Let me throw on my girlish charm, think of something witty to say and win his heart!" I just think, "Ew. Stop making out and get out of my store."
HOWEVER, this I Scream Parlor tends to attract a wide variety of people. From the hipster couple that comes in every 2 days ((LEGIT)) to the people at the old folks home who come every Thursday morning.

My job is the worst. It doesn't even have real air conditioning. He keeps it at 80 degrees. Did you know that 80 degrees is the point at which you start sweating? Yeah. I straight up work at a sweat shop.

Life will go on. In just a few short months, I will be moving to Canada where I won't have to worry about it anymore. Here's to!

Too Fantastic

That Desperate Young-wannabe-lovers University I’m attending this fall is everything everyone says it is. Let’s call it DYU. Even though I am not in school yet, I got a job through DYU at the Empty Sea. This story is about my first day. MY FIRST DAY!!!

I had a couple of hours in between filling out paperwork and my job orientation. Rather than go home like a normal person, I decided to wander around DYU campus for a while. I like the bookstore and the art museum. I’m a nerd and I can entertain myself on a college campus all alone, right? I let my mom know where I was (because I’m still a baby and I have to do that) and her comment was, “You can practice avoiding those DYU guys.” She meant it as a joke…

Half an hour later….

I guess she wasn’t joking…

This interesting (well dressed) young man approached me, started a conversation, and introduced himself. We’ll call him Jordan. Type in italics is my thoughts.

Jordan: Do you want to get lunch sometime?

Rita: Is this happening? I don’t know you…

Jordan: I’m Jordan.

Rita: You already told me your name. That’s not what I mean. I can’t hang out with you. I’m a baby. What would I tell my mom? I still don’t know you.

Jordan: Well, what are you doing RIGHT NOW?

Rita: I have orientation at 1:00.

Jordan: Can I wander with you until then?

So that’s how I went to lunch with a stranger. First we went to the art museum and talked a little bit. That’s when I found out that he is 23 years old and he found out that I am…not quite that old. He bought me lunch at a café. I think I ordered the wrong thing. Either that or I was just nervous because I didn’t eat very much.

That was Monday. On Wednesday he texted me. I politely said I wasn’t interested because I’m basically still halfway in high school. He took a hint and our conversation ended.

Saturday. For some reason I was still thinking about Jordan. I tried to Facebook stalk him but the tricky guy has fantastic privacy settings (also “fantastic” is a word he overuses). Being the fantastic stalker that I am, I did’t let this stop me. No way! I went to Pinterest. Judging by the clothes he was wearing, I just knew he would have a Pinterest account. Yes! I was right! And guess what I learned about him? He has a Pinterest board titled “I LOVE GINGERS.” And guess when it was created? 5 days ago. Do the math. Ok, I’ll do it for you. MONDAY! He created the board on MONDAY! Recall that that was the day he met me.

With a discovery like this I had no choice but to text him.

Rita: You have an “I love gingers” Pinterest board? Did I forget to tell you I’m a professional stalker? Don’t judge J

Jordan: Haha!! I figured I’d scared you away. Didn’t expect to hear from you. I do have an I Love Gingers board. When I first came back from the mission and back to (this state) for school…I don’t know…I just realized how many redheads there were in (this state), and how gorgeous they are.. I guess I have a thing for gingers.

Jordan (again): Ummmm You too have a “Red” board. Sounds like he found my Pinterest account. I’m impressed.

Rita: I do. But I have red hair so it makes sense. P.S. How did you find me?

Jordan: How did you find me?

Rita: You told me your last name.

Jordan: Hahah…

Rita: You didn’t answer my question.

Jordan: Well there are only so many ginger Rita’s from (city, state) area on Facebook who are going to DYU. Facebook allows for specific searches… And I’ve made it a point to sometimes search a girl to ifnd out if I was given a real name or number. Some women like to lie…

How many women have you creeped out previous to me Jordan??? After I don’t respond he says: But it was just current city and you pop up on the first page.

After I don’t respond again: Of course… If my initial hello hadn’t scared you away that might. Oops

Rita: Haha! I can’t blame you, can I? I would do the same thing. And I did, actually.

Jordan: I guess you did call yourself a professional stalker

Rita: And I mean that. My best friend and I have a stalker blog. We write about people with fake names. Hey, that’s you, Annabelle!

Jordan: Should I be afraid? What else have you learned about me? I’m fascinated as to what a curious young woman could find out about me on the Internet.

Rita: People can usually only find out what you give them J Although parents’ blogs can be helpful. Yes, I’ve done that before. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone that far yet.

Jordan: Phew…I don’t believe my mom has a blog.

The conversation continues as we simultaneously stalk each other on the Internet. All out war.

Jordan: Where is this stalker blog?

Rita: It’s a secret. You’d have to be an expert to find it. And Jordan, who’s name is not actually Jordan, if you are reading this right now you have earned my highest respect in the stalker world. Congratulations.

Jordan: Touche. Well mysterious Ms. Rita…I’m intrigued by you.

After he starts liking ancient Facebook pictures of me I say…

Rita: Ok, you can stop Facebook stalking me now… Don’t’ you have better thins to do?

Jordan: After realizing my blog address was on my Facebook page I had to find something I could throw back at you in case you’d been on my blog and read something you might throw at me. I took the blog address off.

Rita: Is that a challenge? I don’t understand. What am I supposed to be “throwing?” AKA What secrets are you hiding on your blog? I’m going to go find your blog.

And I did find his blog. And he was surprised. And he does have secrets.

Like the fact that this time last year he was ENGAGED to a REDHEAD. It sounds like he called it off a few months ago.

Confession. I also found his ex-fiancé’s blog. Her blog was helpful because his blog is so ambiguous. Also, from her blog I learned that there is very high probability that I will run into her very soon. I will know so much about her and her love story which I read backwards on two blogs. She will have no clue who I am. She will have no clue that I know her. And now I am the ULTIMATE STALKER OF THE WORLD!!! DO YOU HEAR ME JORDAN??? I’M FANTASTIC AT STALKING!!!
 --Rita