Single Men Don't Eat Ice Cream

Rita is soaking up all the men in this city that we live in. Her place of employment (the Empty Sea) has been taking every 18 year old male right from underneath my feet and it's starting to get a little irritating.
While Rita sits for days drooling over these fresh, clean-cut, boys, I sit in my I Scream Parlor. I hand miniature top hats out to people and tell them to fill them with ice cream. Then I sit at my perch and watch as they spill ice cream all over my freshly mopped floor. I cut fruit. I fill toppings. I make people give me money. It's an exciting life I live, let me tell you.

However, as I watch people zoom in and out of my parlor, I have been doing my fair share of stalking. Every day there is an old man who comes in. He's probably in his late 60's, has sandy blond hair that is balding, and has a slight limp. His name is Mr. Carl Henderson. When the door opens at 12:20, I know it's him.
"Hello Mr. Carl Henderson!" I say.
"Oh hello there Emily." Will always be his response.
"How are you doing today?" I ask.
"Oh I'm doing okay," he'll say, then bow his head a little glumly. Then he'll follow up with, "It sure is hot out there today."
"It sure is! Here are some taster cups - let me know when you're ready."
Mr. Carl Henderson used to come in and get Pistachio Gelato every day. Except when we ran out. He was sad for a moment, but quickly found new favorites (black licorice and toasted marshmallow).
Some days he comes in twice, but seldom does he come in at nights. He only comes at night when he's feeling especially glum. This man reminds me of Eyore from Winnie the Pooh. He always seems a little sad, but he just has a way of warming your heart.

Now, as mentioned above, single men don't eat ice cream. Every day we get a whole bunch of single women. It seems that they all flock to get ice cream. You'd think we put magic powers in that stuff for the amount of women we see. And I have to admit, we do see our share of men. However, the only time you see a man without a woman attached to his side, is when the married men come in on their lunch breaks. (Yes, I do check their ring fingers. How else will I know if they are married?!)
This can be a dilemma. It makes work a little dry. I never think "Ooo! That man must be single! Let me throw on my girlish charm, think of something witty to say and win his heart!" I just think, "Ew. Stop making out and get out of my store."
HOWEVER, this I Scream Parlor tends to attract a wide variety of people. From the hipster couple that comes in every 2 days ((LEGIT)) to the people at the old folks home who come every Thursday morning.

My job is the worst. It doesn't even have real air conditioning. He keeps it at 80 degrees. Did you know that 80 degrees is the point at which you start sweating? Yeah. I straight up work at a sweat shop.

Life will go on. In just a few short months, I will be moving to Canada where I won't have to worry about it anymore. Here's to!

Too Fantastic

That Desperate Young-wannabe-lovers University I’m attending this fall is everything everyone says it is. Let’s call it DYU. Even though I am not in school yet, I got a job through DYU at the Empty Sea. This story is about my first day. MY FIRST DAY!!!

I had a couple of hours in between filling out paperwork and my job orientation. Rather than go home like a normal person, I decided to wander around DYU campus for a while. I like the bookstore and the art museum. I’m a nerd and I can entertain myself on a college campus all alone, right? I let my mom know where I was (because I’m still a baby and I have to do that) and her comment was, “You can practice avoiding those DYU guys.” She meant it as a joke…

Half an hour later….

I guess she wasn’t joking…

This interesting (well dressed) young man approached me, started a conversation, and introduced himself. We’ll call him Jordan. Type in italics is my thoughts.

Jordan: Do you want to get lunch sometime?

Rita: Is this happening? I don’t know you…

Jordan: I’m Jordan.

Rita: You already told me your name. That’s not what I mean. I can’t hang out with you. I’m a baby. What would I tell my mom? I still don’t know you.

Jordan: Well, what are you doing RIGHT NOW?

Rita: I have orientation at 1:00.

Jordan: Can I wander with you until then?

So that’s how I went to lunch with a stranger. First we went to the art museum and talked a little bit. That’s when I found out that he is 23 years old and he found out that I am…not quite that old. He bought me lunch at a café. I think I ordered the wrong thing. Either that or I was just nervous because I didn’t eat very much.

That was Monday. On Wednesday he texted me. I politely said I wasn’t interested because I’m basically still halfway in high school. He took a hint and our conversation ended.

Saturday. For some reason I was still thinking about Jordan. I tried to Facebook stalk him but the tricky guy has fantastic privacy settings (also “fantastic” is a word he overuses). Being the fantastic stalker that I am, I did’t let this stop me. No way! I went to Pinterest. Judging by the clothes he was wearing, I just knew he would have a Pinterest account. Yes! I was right! And guess what I learned about him? He has a Pinterest board titled “I LOVE GINGERS.” And guess when it was created? 5 days ago. Do the math. Ok, I’ll do it for you. MONDAY! He created the board on MONDAY! Recall that that was the day he met me.

With a discovery like this I had no choice but to text him.

Rita: You have an “I love gingers” Pinterest board? Did I forget to tell you I’m a professional stalker? Don’t judge J

Jordan: Haha!! I figured I’d scared you away. Didn’t expect to hear from you. I do have an I Love Gingers board. When I first came back from the mission and back to (this state) for school…I don’t know…I just realized how many redheads there were in (this state), and how gorgeous they are.. I guess I have a thing for gingers.

Jordan (again): Ummmm You too have a “Red” board. Sounds like he found my Pinterest account. I’m impressed.

Rita: I do. But I have red hair so it makes sense. P.S. How did you find me?

Jordan: How did you find me?

Rita: You told me your last name.

Jordan: Hahah…

Rita: You didn’t answer my question.

Jordan: Well there are only so many ginger Rita’s from (city, state) area on Facebook who are going to DYU. Facebook allows for specific searches… And I’ve made it a point to sometimes search a girl to ifnd out if I was given a real name or number. Some women like to lie…

How many women have you creeped out previous to me Jordan??? After I don’t respond he says: But it was just current city and you pop up on the first page.

After I don’t respond again: Of course… If my initial hello hadn’t scared you away that might. Oops

Rita: Haha! I can’t blame you, can I? I would do the same thing. And I did, actually.

Jordan: I guess you did call yourself a professional stalker

Rita: And I mean that. My best friend and I have a stalker blog. We write about people with fake names. Hey, that’s you, Annabelle!

Jordan: Should I be afraid? What else have you learned about me? I’m fascinated as to what a curious young woman could find out about me on the Internet.

Rita: People can usually only find out what you give them J Although parents’ blogs can be helpful. Yes, I’ve done that before. Don’t worry, I haven’t gone that far yet.

Jordan: Phew…I don’t believe my mom has a blog.

The conversation continues as we simultaneously stalk each other on the Internet. All out war.

Jordan: Where is this stalker blog?

Rita: It’s a secret. You’d have to be an expert to find it. And Jordan, who’s name is not actually Jordan, if you are reading this right now you have earned my highest respect in the stalker world. Congratulations.

Jordan: Touche. Well mysterious Ms. Rita…I’m intrigued by you.

After he starts liking ancient Facebook pictures of me I say…

Rita: Ok, you can stop Facebook stalking me now… Don’t’ you have better thins to do?

Jordan: After realizing my blog address was on my Facebook page I had to find something I could throw back at you in case you’d been on my blog and read something you might throw at me. I took the blog address off.

Rita: Is that a challenge? I don’t understand. What am I supposed to be “throwing?” AKA What secrets are you hiding on your blog? I’m going to go find your blog.

And I did find his blog. And he was surprised. And he does have secrets.

Like the fact that this time last year he was ENGAGED to a REDHEAD. It sounds like he called it off a few months ago.

Confession. I also found his ex-fiancé’s blog. Her blog was helpful because his blog is so ambiguous. Also, from her blog I learned that there is very high probability that I will run into her very soon. I will know so much about her and her love story which I read backwards on two blogs. She will have no clue who I am. She will have no clue that I know her. And now I am the ULTIMATE STALKER OF THE WORLD!!! DO YOU HEAR ME JORDAN??? I’M FANTASTIC AT STALKING!!!
 --Rita

Home is where the Cat is.

Missionary work is scary business.

House 1: No one.

House 2: His mom.

House 3: No one.

House 4: A little sister who can’t convince the older sisters to come to the door even though we know they’re home.

….etc…

House 98: His mom. And a CAT!!! I hate cats. But Annabelle is the one who has a reason not to like this particular cat because it has been trained to attack her. We had to be brave.

Later we found out why no one answered their doors. It’s because they were all Christmas shopping. The. Lines. Were. So. LONG. We hate parking lots and pedestrians and the sun and everyone who thinks the world is ending today. Apparently not everyone believes that the world is over, though, because they were crowding the stores and the streets to find Christmas paraphernalia.

If you would like some advice, Annabelle and Rita have two things we’ve learned from our good and bad experiences today.

1. Don’t procrastinate the day of your Christmas shopping.
2. Call, don’t text.

Work on those two things and if you get discouraged, look at the bright side. At least we are not stoplights.

Well.

Rita inspired me. She's been filling you in on our life lately, and I decided it was my turn. Rita and I have busy, crazy lives. Somedays we climb mountains just to learn about science. Whose idea was that Rita??? NOBODY knows why you are taking Physics. Clearly, that was a silly silly choice.
ANYWAY.
It seems that Rita and I have a dilemma. We're much to comfortable with our own 'super cool' these days that we have a hard time finding everyone else's. AKA we have no friends. This makes life an awkward situation. Lunchtime makes life an EVEN MORE awkward situation. Our school is so large and we are so small that sometimes we can't find each other at lunch. And then when we do find each other, it's like we have been walking through the desert for the past 7 years searching for each other.
The other day, I couldn't find Rita. I decided to be bold and stand in the lunch line to someone I didn't know. "What's your name?" I asked. I received a funny look from the young man.
"Uh...Caesar." Was his reply.
"Hi Caesar! I'm Annabelle! It's nice to meet you! I'm so excited to have lunch! I can't wait to buy--" it was at that moment that I realized that I was in the wrong lunch line. I did NOT want to eat pizza, I wanted to eat a salad (not because I think I'm fat). "--um..I'm in the wrong lunch line....I'll just umm...well..it was nice to meet you. Bye!"
I'm a dork. Lunch is hard.
On days when Rita and I do find each other, we just sit and read or do homework or sometimes even wander up to the library and try to find good music on grooveshark.

Enemy of the average, super cool....yeah. We're still in training. Bear (bare? beahr? behr? WHATEVER) with us world.

True Celebrities

Josh and Chuck. The real celebrities here.

Friday night. Partyin' partyin', right? Not quite. While Annabelle sang with William Joseph, I read about Isaac Newton and his laws. YOLO, so please remind me why I'm taking physics. For the record, Isaac Newton has 13,000,000 results on Google and William Joseph has 86,500,000. Fine. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I would like to publicly apologize to William Joseph for underestimating his fame. Although, I'm starting to think that Google isn't a good judge because Josh Clark and Charles W. (Chuck) Bryant only have 1,210,000 results and they are by far my favorite celebrities/historical figures. I'm going to send them a letter before the school year ends. I'm very grateful for their impact on the world. I really wish I could write articles for howstuffworks.com instead of trying to decide what I want to major in next year. Why can't I just learn about everything?

I LOVE Carl Fredrickson!

So Friday night wasn't that cool. But there are still days when Annabelle and Rita get to have adventures and do some stalking. Monday, for example, was a fabulous day. We went to see a play in Wolverineland because our friend, Carl Fredrickson, invited us.We were frantically trying to find the stage in the mazes of Wolverineland when we ran into young man I recognized. Mr. Enthusiastic. It was serendipity. He told us that the show had just ended. At first I was disappointed, but it ended up being a better day than I expected. Carl Fredrickson thinks we came to his show, I was reunited with my long lost friend, Mr. Enthusiastic, and we saved $3 by not watching a tragic play. The best part is, there was an escaped convict who ran across the stage during the show. We saw him pinned to the ground behind the dressing room, surrounded by police cars. We also met some ducks and an inappropriate statue. Annabelle and I got Frosty's and talked about everything from texting boys to dry elbows. We decided we want to be more like Mr. Enthusiastic. By the way, Mr. Enthusiastic is going to Germany on a two year Buddhist excursion. Put a little black name tag on that green bathrobe and share your enthusiasm with the world!

Life is good.  We are enemies of the average and yet the only normal people in the world. Annabelle introduced me to Frank Sinatra radio. I invited her to join the SYSK army. Explications are done. Annabelle is ignoring her conscience and running from the devil reincarnate. Guess where we will be next week?

--Rita

Finding the Super Cool in Everyone

"I just can't decide if he's super cool or super weird."

I think I already knew that everyone has a Super Weird side. We've been discussing normalcy recently and taking long tests that are supposed to give you a normal score...or something. According to the internet, Annabelle is twice as normal as I am. Fine. If you ask me, neurotypical people don't exist. At least, I haven't met any. If you consider yourself normal, please leave a comment. I'd love to meet you.

Today, Annabelle's question concerning a specific person was answered and the verdict was unanimous. Super cool. I'm embarrassed to say it took me longer than Annabelle to come to that conclusion. I've learned that I should take the time to get to know people better. Find the Super Cool in everyone. In Annabelle's words, "What's your Super Cool?"

Gangs

Rita and I have a gang. It is a biker gang. And we are pretty rugged material. Let's just say...you DON'T want to rub us the wrong way, okay?
Yesterday we decided to cruise around town for awhile. We decided to go intimidate our rival gang with our bikes. We had them surrounded.

Josephine and Gladys enjoyed our little outing. Unfortunately, Josephine had a hard time when we got to the park. She was a little...undone. It was pouring rain and Rita and I were in despair. We spotted a few....friends that could have helped us..but we didn't want to disturb their date.
Desperate, we called a member of the rival gang to come help us. They got us up and running in no time.

Rita writes better posts than me....
Give me a few days...I'll have a good one.
--Annabelle